Wednesday, September 1, 2010

How I Eluded a Serial Killer at the Movies

I went last night... by myself... after having an argument with my husband... in the middle of an argument with my husband... because I was afraid of how much anger I was feeling towards him and I just needed to get the fuck out for a bit.  OUT.

And I was going to go with a friend and then I thought no, I'll just go to another friend's house and then I thought I really just want a cookie and so I went to Mrs. Field's and to the movies and the kid at the ticket booth says:  Ma'am, you're the only person who has bought a ticket to this showing... you sure you want to go?

And I decided to be brave and so I took my cookie(s) and went in and sat smack in the middle of a huge theater and watched the previews and then the movie.


Which, for Eat Pray Love was probably fitting.

And (don't you envy my ability to start so many paragraphs off with "and"... it's almost as though I never had a grade school grammar class) I forced myself, somewhere about 30 minutes in, to put away my cell phone and stop texting people about the movie as it was happening and also to not play Solitaire during the slow and/or uncomfortable parts and just watch the movie and it was like my own little forced meditation.

So then I cried.  Because I was alone so I could!  I understand Julia Roberts Elizabeth Gilbert!  I too feel lost!  Wh didn't Ubud look like that festive and breezy when I was there in May?  And omg Javier Bardeem is so fucking hot and my husband does not make me mixed tapes... also, I want pasta... and so it went.

Which was/is fine.

When the movie ended I felt this weird little accomplishment and decided, as I hunted around on the floor for my lost water bottle, that perhaps multitasking isn't the accomplishment I think it is and maybe, instead of going to India to an ashram, I should just try to focus on doing one thing at a time.

So I put my brain in this little gear and was like,  I am a calm and purposeful person.  Calm and Purposeful.  CALMANDPURPOSEFUL.

And (AND!) then I walked out to the lobby and swear to God there wasn't another person around.

Lobby Crickets.

Lights off with the exception of the glowing from the soda machine and some runners and no one.


Eeek!  Flee!  Flee from the Elder Mall Serial Movie Theater Killer!

But first I had to pee.

Calmly and Purposefully I hustled to the bathroom where I peed and wondered if when I opened the door to go back to the Lobby I would encounter the Elder Mall Serial Movie Theater Killer...

I almost didn't flush because I didn't want to alert him to my presence.

But then if I was killed I didn't want to be found next to a toilet with pee in it... like my last act on Earth was a slovenly janitorial practice.

So I flushed and then, holding my keys like a weapon, I carefully opened the door.

Still.  NO ONE.

Then I found out I was locked in.

But the fire door worked.

Guess what?  It's not connected to the alarm.

But then I had to cross the dark mall... the mall where I thought I would be able to have some security guy escort me to my car on his Segway... was quiet and dark.

Their fire door worked too.

So then I CALMLY AND PURPOSEFULLY got my ass home.

The End.


  1. All of this is something I'd totally do. For real.

  2. They closed it on you? That is sucky.

    I um...may have seen the movie. And cried. And um, sorta loved it in a weird way. Don't tell anyone okay?

  3. How the hell does that happen to you? How did the guy who sold you the ticket not remember? I totally want to see the movie, maybe I will venture out solo, but when the sun is out bc I am such a huge chicken. Thank goodness you came out of it unscathed.

    Thanks for letting me in. I need an escape every once in a while and how the hell else will I know all the funny stuff happening in your life.

    Have you started writing a book yet? You should.


  4. Really? That's scary! I saw Eat, Pray, Love the other day, too but I was far from the only person in the theater.

    Hey, thanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog. Funny comment, by the way!

    I'll see you around! Keep blogging, I like your style.

  5. Ok, I'm glad I'm not the only one that the serial killer is after.

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  7. If it were me, they'd find me in the morning and have to pry my dead cold hands off the last box of bon bons that I would have helped myself to from the freezer ...which would have finally been my undoing.

    Seriously, wasn't there even a projectionist? How bizarro